so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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