yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
