Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
