Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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