so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
