I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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