Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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