So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
