VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Randomize
