last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
