guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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