the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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