You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
