thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
