I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
