I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
