woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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