I faked an abortion last night.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
