Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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