It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
