No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
