apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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