the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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