She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
