you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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