it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
