i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
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i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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