Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
