You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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