I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
