How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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