i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
