did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
