you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Semen is not good for contacts.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
