I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
