You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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