:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
