Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
