Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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