We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
