Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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