i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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