You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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