Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
