The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
