I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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