Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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