I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You left your phone here
Wait...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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