He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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