life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We named our party play list daddy issues
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
