Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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