Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
