So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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