You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
