I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm way too hungover for life right now
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
